Epitaphs & Tombstones: Here Lies...

Funny Epitaphs

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Check out these "Here Lies..." Epitaphs, Tombstones, Headstones and Gravestones

Here lies Billy Brown
Lost at sea and never found

Here lies the body of my sweet sister;
She was just fine 'til Dracula kissed her

Here lies Walter Dudley
He found out too late,
Dobermans aren't cuddly.

Here lies the late Bill Boller
Got run down by a steam roller
(This tombstone is very tall and narrow as if to match the victim)

Here lies departed Jim Migg
He would like for you to dig

Here lies Mary Aster
Who wishes she'd jay-walked
Just a little bit faster

Here lies old Mrs. Derns
Now being eaten by lots of worms

Here lies my wife,
I bid her good-bye.
She rests in peace
And now so do I.

Here lies Henry Blake
He stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

Here lies John Yeast,
Pardon him for not rising.

Here lies poor old Lester Moore.
Took four slugs from .44
No Les, no more ...

Here I lie - Its no wonder I'm dead,
For the wheels of a semi rolled over my head.

Here lies Frank McGloan
By a gun he's dead
Was caught in bed
With a wife that wasn't his own

Here lies the father of 29
There would have been more
But he ran out of have time

Here lies my wife in earthy mould
Who when she lived did naught but scold
Good friends go softly in your walking
Lest she should wake and rise up talking

Here lies the popular Kevin O'Toole
He thought it was cool to smoke at school.

Here lies Ron DeVoo
He met with death.

Here lies Gil, a teen
A tisket, a tasket,
His head lies in the casket

Here lies Kelly
We buried him today
He lived the life of Riley
When Riley was away

Here lies dearly departed Bill
He always lied and he always will
He lied once too often and now he lies still

Here lies good old Fred
A great big rock fell on his head

Here lies dear departed Dave,
He chased a bear into a cave

Here lies beloved brother Tor,
He couldn't take it anymore

Here lies the body of Thomas Kemp
Who lived by wool and died by hemp

Here lies Mr. I. B. Crisp
Fixed the toaster with a knife
Got the shock of his short life!

Here lies ex-spy Nathan Wood
This time he's underground for good

Here lies the body of drunken Tom
Who died passed out upon the lawn,
The mortician just giggled
"He's already pickled,
There's really no need to embalm"

Here lies Dr. Suess
Let it be a warning to youse
He ate green eggs from his breakfast plate
And this turned out to be his fate

Here lies thieving Kid McGraw
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw

Here lies the body of John Doe
He had no where else to go

Here lies dearly departed Blanche
She got run down by an avalanche

Here lies beloved Uncle Jake
Rode downstairs on a roller skate

Here lies Matthew Mudd
Death did him no hurt
When alive he was Mudd,
But now he's only dirt!

Here lies Pa.
Pa liked women
Ma caught Pa in with two swimmin'
Here lies Pa

Here lies Ned -
There is nothing more to be said
Because we like to speak well of the dead

Here lies Anne Mann
Who lived an old maid,
But died an old Mann

Here lies the man Richard
And Mary his wife
Whose surname was Pritchard
They lived without strife
And the reason was plain
They abounded in riches
They had no care or pain
And his wife wore the britches

Here lies one who never lied before
And one who never will lie more
To which there need be more said.

Here lies poor but honest Bryan Turnstall
He was a most expert angler
Until Death envious of his art
Threw out his line, hooked him
And landed him here
The 21st day of April 1790

Here lies an atheist
He's all dressed up
With no place to go

Here lies poor Rufus Sewell
Came to his end in a dirty duel

Here lies a man named Zeke.
Second fastest draw in Cripple Creek.

Here lies the body of Edward Hyde
We laid him here because he died

Here lies Ben, whose life was full
Until he tried to milk a bull

Here lies the body of Charlie Nicks,
Who was hit by a barrel laden with bricks

Here lies the body of Samuel Crane
He ran a race with a passenger train
He got to the crossing and almost across
Sam and his car were a total loss
If he only took time to stop look and listen
He'd be living now instead of missin'

Here lies the body of Samuel Crane
Who ran a race with a passenger train
If only he'd thought to stop, look and listen
He'd be living now instead of missin'

Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

Here lies Moonshiner Fred
Lit a cigar & now he's dead

Here lies old lady Sue
Choked to death on Redman Chew

Here lies Melba June Doak
Drowned when the outhouse planking broke

Here lies the body of my lovely wife Anne
Who plays the poker machines whenever she can

Here lies the bones of dear Uncle Jim
He sits here and drinks while she puts his money in

Here lies a miser who lived for himself,
Who cared for nothing but gathering wealth.
Now where he is and how he fares;
Nobody knows and nobody cares

Here lies the remains of Margaret Bent
She kicked up her heels, and away she went.

Here lies the landlord, Tommy Dent
In his last cozy tenement.

Here lies the body of Martha Dias,
Who was always uneasy, but not over pious;
She lived to the age of three score and ten,
And gave that to the worms she refused to the men.

Here lie I, Master Elginbrod,
Have mercy on my soul, O God.
As I would have if I were God,
And Thou were Master Elginbrod.

Here lies Rab MacBeth
Who died for the want of another breath

Here lies the body of Cyrus Sun
Getting here was half the fun!

Here lies old Rastus Sominy
Died a-eating hominy
In 1859 anno domini

Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
Quite well I bet
Since it's well fed
By your body down below

Here lies mangled Hiriam Brown
Peered up the shaft to see
If the elevator was coming down.
It was.

Here lies elderly miser Strung
Aged 102 when he swallowed his tongue
Living proof that the good die young

Here lies our dear Ol' Pop
Twasn't the fall that done him in
But rather the sudden stop!

Here lies poor Uncle Tor,
He just couldn't take it anymore

Here lies Myra Mains
Gorgeous body but alas - no brains

Here under the dung of cows and sheep
Lies an old highlander fast asleep
His trees all toppled and his lines all hung
They say the old rascal died full of rum

Here lays Butch
We planted him raw
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw!

Here lies the body of Mary Ann Lowder
She burst while drinking a Seidlitz powder
Called from this world to her heavenly rest
She should have waited till it effervesced.

Here lies cut down like unripe fruit
The wife of Deacon Amos Shute
She die of drinking too much coffee
Anny dominy eighteen forty.

Here lies a man who while he lived
Was happy as a linnet
He always lied while on the earth
And now he's lying in it.

Here lies, returned to the clay
Miss Arabella Young
Who on the first of May
Began to hold her tongue

Here lies Slip Mevey
He would be here today
But bad whiskey and a fast gun
Put him away.

Here lies Sir Edward Poe,
The train was fast, but he was slow...

Here lies a poor woman who always was tired
For she lived in a house where help wasn't hired
Her last words she said were, "Dear friends, I am going
Where washing ain't wanted, nor mending, nor sewing
Where all things is done exact to my wishes
For where folks don't eat there's no washing of dishes
In Heaven loud anthems forever are ringing
But having no voice, I'll keep clear of singing
Don't mourn for me now, don't mourn for me never
For I'm going to do nothing forever and ever

Here lies my wife
So let her lie.
Now she's at rest,
And so am I.

Here lies the body of John Mound
Lost at sea and never found

Here lies all the remains of Charlotte
Born a virgin, but died a harlot
For sixteen years she kept her virginity
A marvelous thing for this vicinity

Here lies the body of Mary Lee
Who finally died at 103
For 18 years, she kept her virginity
Not a bad record for this vicinity

Here lies Miss Mimsey Starr -
She got pinched in the Astor bar

Here lies poor old Martin Hupp -
He crossing the bridge when the bridge was up

Reggie's rather scatterbrained -
He dove in when the pool was drained

Here lies Captain Gregg -
He got termites in his wooden leg

Here lies poor dear Blanche -
Got run down by an avalanche

Here lies Professor Munch -
He ate his wife & divorced his lunch

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