Of all the Disney Villains, there’s only one Mistress of All Evil, and it’s time for her tell her side of the story! If Maleficent, the infamous antagonist from Sleeping Beauty, were to discuss her legacy and what she really thought of Angelina Jolie and Kristen Chenoweth’s recent portrayals of her, this is how Costume Discounters would imagine it.
First, let’s discuss that Descendants movie? Was that an accurate depiction of your essence?
[Laughs maliciously] You simple fool! Do you really think the Mistress of All Evil SINGS? While Kristen Chenoweth’s version was more suitable in portraying my evil ways, I must inform you that I do not harmonize catchy tunes. That’s more the style of Scar or Ursula… Even Jafar! I prefer to associate myself with the Evil Queen and heels of that nature. We don’t sing; it takes away the fear.
Okay, so then let’s talk about your relationship with King Stefan. Did you inflict the sleeping curse on his daughter because he clipped your wings all those years ago?
Clipped my wings? Oh dear, what an awkward situation. While Angelina Jolie did quite the exceptional job playing me, that version of my story is mere fan fiction. The real reason why I bestowed the gift on Princess Aurora is because I was quite distressed at not receiving an invitation to her christening. Angelina may have portrayed me as being sympathetic but that story is a romanticized depiction of my past.
Wow. So you’re saying that you inflicted the curse because you weren’t invited to a party?
That is correct. I don’t believe it is burdensome for anyone to comprehend the nature of my anguish.
I must point out that you have a very intelligent way of speaking. Did you do any studying to achieve your high-level vocabulary?
I am flattered that you would point out the eloquence of my speech. When you live in the Forbidden Mountain with nobody but goons, you can’t help but be more intelligent. I mean, they searched for a baby for 16 years instead of a teenager. Though I must say, my pet bird, Diablo, is the most competent being I know.
Would you say your relationship with Diablo is better than with most humans?
When you’re surrounded by such imbeciles, you find that animal companions are the only ones you will ever need. After all, it was he who located Aurora in just minutes compared to the 16 long years my goons spent searching for her. Granted, those idiots Flora and Merryweather made it a little easier for him. That’s what happens when your fairies pathetically fight over what color the princess’s dress should be. Diablo is by far the most worthy sidekick of all the Disney Villains. That’s why it was so dreadful when that stupid fairy turned him to stone.
I apologize for your loss. Let’s talk about the aftereffects of Prince Philips’s escape from your castle.
[Smiles with a broad grin] Why, yes, of course.
Even though Phillip defeated you when you were in dragon form, you don’t seem to be bothered. Why is that?
Of course I’m not bothered. After all, I became a dragon, which ultimately served as inspiration for many villains to come. The Evil Queen likes to think Susan Sarandon’s character in Enchanted is based on her. But did the Evil Queen ever turn into a dragon? No! It was me. ME! The Mistress of All Evil! For this reason, and countless others, I will live on as the greatest Disney Villain of all time! [laughs maniacally before disappearing in flames].
For more satirical sit-downs with your favorite Disney villains, check out
Costume Discounters’ archive:
Evil Queen – Click Here
Jafar – Click Here
Scar – Click Here
Ursula – Click Here