Images via JurassicWorldNews.com and Universal Pictures
There are few ideas worse than turning an island full of dinosaurs into a vacation destination. Why are we even particularly thrilled about there being actual lions at the zoo? Is there a reason to willingly visiting a place that houses both a Tyrannosaurus Rex and a group of Velociraptors regardless of how strong a hamster ball you put us in?
But clearly we’re in the minority, as Jurassic World is a popular attraction that opened after the resounding success that was Jurassic Park.
So that got us thinking: If “dinosaur island” is a viable marketing idea, what other vacations would people to pay for?
1) Killer-Bee-Catching Tour
Image via International Science Times
Don a paper-thin beekeeper suit and grab a butterfly net! We’re almost positive that the bees won’t make it through the suit, the net, or into the locker room!
2) Volcanic Surfing Expedition
Image via SkyNews.com.au
Have you ever seen footage of a volcanic eruption and thought to yourself “Totally Tubular!” Well if so, do we have a stellar idea for you: Grab a heat-resistant board and head to one of our “controlled eruptions.” And be careful—one wipeout spells certain doom!
3) The Jungle Book Experience
Image via IGN.com and Buena Vista Distribution
You remember The Jungle Book, right? Mowgli pals around in the jungle with his friends Bagheera the panther and Baloo the bear? This is just like that! You’re Mogli, but with a real panther and a real bear!
4) Cheetah Racing
Image via Animal-Kid.com
You may be smarter than a fifth grader, but are you faster than a cheetah? Come to our facility and find out! And relax—besides being fast, cheetahs are known for being very friendly. (Seriously!) They just tend to regard anything that moves quickly as prey. So once that race starts, don’t look back!
5) Avalanche Snowboarding
Did you like the sound of the Volcanic Surfing Expedition, but just can’t take the heat? Not a problem! Bring your snowboard and get ready to shred like your life depends on it—because it does! Once we shout “GO!” the fun begins.
6) Black Widow Kissing Booth
Image via Green Valley Pest Control
Listen up Avengers fans: Do you want a kiss from the Black Widow? Well, Scarlett Johansson is surprisingly hard to book for carnival appearances. So we have the next best thing—an actual Black Widow spider!
7) Low Altitude Skydiving
Image via Worth1000.com
Everybody knows the best part of skydiving is the free fall. Floating down in the parachute for minutes afterward is just plain boring—so we did away with it! Jump with us and your instructor will pull the ripcord mere seconds before impact. We jump lower than any other skydiving service—guaranteed!
8) Cageless Shark Swimming
Image via World Wildlife Fund
If you’re like us, you find regular “swimming with the sharks” expeditions too impersonal. If you’re going to watch the sharks from behind bars, you may as well be sitting on the couch during shark week! But swim with us, and you can get up close and personal with some of nature’s most spectacular creatures. Come now to check out our newest attraction—the great white shark!
9) Climbing Mount Everest
Image via The Telegraph
Do you find other life or death vacations “too fictional?” Then come climb the world’s highest mountain. We guarantee frigid temperatures, barely breathable air, devastating winds, and most importantly, the adventure of a lifetime! The only thing we don’t guarantee is your life!
10) Meme-Making with Randy Orton
Image via CloudFront
Have you ever wondered where memes came from or how they became a viral phenomenon? With a little help from WWE Superstar Randy Orton, you can find out! When you least expect it, you’ll become the victim of an RKO and a viral phenomenon, all at the same time!
For our money, it’s much safer to stay in and play dress up. You can even hang out with some dinosaurs!