With Scout’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse hitting theaters soon, that just means that there is ONE MORE resource offering you survival advice. At this point, you should be pretty well-versed in how to take out walkers and survive the zombie apocalypse. Costume Discounters is looking to provide you with a different approach to this scenario.
If zombies have overrun the planet, chances are, you won’t kill them all. You don’t have to! You just have to be the least appetizing thing on the menu. Grab your chef attire and get to work!
Supply 1: Real food
First, you’re going to need some real food. You know, something for the living. At the end of the day, we’re all just looking for a good meal. And if you’re going to lure your friends over and serve them up for the zombies, you’re going to need good bait. Now, food is, of course, hard to come by in the zombie apocalypse. And you won’t tempt anybody with a can of baked beans—those get old fast. But the cheese dust packet that comes in instant mac n’ cheese? We’re pretty sure that stuff never goes bad.
If you’ve made it through the onset of the apocalypse, chances are you’ve found a source of water and you’re good at starting a fire. If you can find a pot and a box of pasta to go with your instant cheese packet, then you’ve got a meal no hungry human can resist.
Supply 2: Big ol’ knife
Listen, no self-respecting chef is ever far from a good knife, so make sure you’ve got what you need. And remember, get something sturdy. You’re going to have to cut through some bone to prep your catch for the pot.
Supply 3: Pot big enough to fit a reasonably sized person
We’re thinking a nice, big cauldron is a good way to go here. Something you can really jam the pieces of your recently deceased friend into and stir them around in. Don’t pick anyone too big though. You don’t want to go spilling precious bits of friend over the side and wasting your hard work. Cauldrons stay hot for a while, so the zombies will have the smell of a nice warm meal to lure them for hours while you make your getaway.
Supply 4: Effervescent spices
Zombies may not be picky, but remember you don’t just want to lure some zombies to your feast, you want to lure all of the zombies. The more of them that are munching on your friends, the less there are walking about waiting to snack on you. A bit of cracked black pepper goes a long way, and some beef broth will give off that meaty aroma that’s sure to get any good zombie’s mouth watering. And if you’re cooking in the fall, add some cinnamon and a little nutmeg to really set the mood.
Supply 5: Seal-able plastic baggies
This one isn’t for the zombies. They’re not exactly sticklers for freshness after all. No, the baggies are for you. If you’ve followed this advice so far, you should have a pretty alluring pot waiting for the hordes of the undead. Just make sure you don’t leave it all in the pot. Be sure to grab a bit of brain matter to take with you. Zombies are notoriously slow, and there are bound to be a few stragglers. If you run across them, you don’t want to be caught without a slice of frontal lobe to occupy them with. Zombies do have an uncanny sense of smell, though, so you don’t want your snack to lure them in your direction. Hence the zipper-lock plastic baggies.
If you’re the kind of person who DVRs “Doomsday Preppers” and the Food Network, this guide should have you ready for the zombie apocalypse. Remember: You don’t have to be the fastest, you just have to be the blandest. And if cooking’s not your thing, you can always just grab a zombie costume and try to blend in.
*Disclaimer: This piece was written satirically. Don’t cook your friends.